Dallas

march 2023. we had known each other for about three months at this point.

she invited me on a trip to dallas. there was a work conference. she said she wanted to see old friends.

before the trip, she asked if i wanted to meet her lover. at that point, i only knew that she talked about him in ways that never fully settled into the past.

as the trip got closer, she told me we were not spending time with him after all.

we drove to dallas, had dinner with one of her friends and another person who seemed to believe they were friends too, then went to see a show. later that night, she spoke about the person she invited. i remember wondering what she said about me when i wasn’t around.

the next morning we stayed in bed talking about where to have breakfast and what we wanted to do together that day. i remember searching for cute little places to eat on my phone while we talked.

then, casually, like it was nothing, she mentioned that we were having breakfast with him.

it felt like the floor disappeared underneath me.

there had been no conversation about it before that moment. no preparation. no check-in. she said it like she was mentioning the weather. like this had always been the plan.

i said no immediately. i was not prepared for that. i had not agreed to it.

she got angry with me for reacting.

so we changed the plans. she would spend time with him and i would spend the day on my own until we met later at 1.

i remember walking her to her car. she was angry and ready to leave without any softness between us, so i asked for a hug.

i spent the day wandering queer dallas. i got a tattoo. i drifted through shops. i met people. i ate at a diner and was entertained by stories from a beautiful man telling me about his night of debauchery. he asked if i needed company. i said no, my person should be here any minute. we parted ways.

then i waited.

an hour passed.

i did not think it was a big deal. i figured time moves differently when you are reconnecting with someone.

then another hour passed.

i called a friend and my sister.

my friend immediately offered to drive four and a half hours to come get me.

my sister kept saying, fuck her. just go home.

that was the first moment i realized it might be as hurtful as it felt.

finally she texted that she was on her way.

when she arrived, the first thing she said was that she needed to use the bathroom.

i told her i was hurt. hours had passed without any updates and i thought she had gone back to san antonio without me.

she let me know it was my fault.

she said i should have called her instead of waiting where she told me to wait.

i told her that i would never do that to someone i invited on a trip. i would let them know.

she insisted i was wrong for not reaching out.

the drive back to san antonio felt endless.

every time i spoke, i was defending myself. trying to prove my feelings made sense. trying to explain that i thought she had left me.

i remember asking her to pull over more than once so i could figure out another way home.

she broke up with me after this.

i made it too hard.